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A spark and fizzle

well someone caught my eye in what i call me home, there were many interests that were common between us. But as quick as the spark of interest flashed it fizzled out even faster. i had no desire to persure it any further. as much as i want that part satisfied i am not seeking anyone to scratch that paticular itch.
i had two of my males one r/t the other v/t offer to be my painsluts if it helped me i looked at both at them and said there is no way either of you are ready for that level of use and as much i need or want that neither of you could handle it. was truly sweet of them both, and i let both know i thought that.
so in a sense i have reverted back a bit to a state i had before, where i am boxing up part of my desires wants and needs as i can see no way to have them met. i honestly dont see really digging into that box anytime soon either.
i want what i want and seems only it will do. As i cant have what i want what good is it to have the drive desire what ever with no outlet for it, so hence my box.........

always so hard

why can't things be simple for me. nothing seems ta be easy or simple. always hard rough or hurts like hell. Sighs it'd be nice if just a few things could be simple. i know i am being tested and forced ta be stronger but my god ya think for all the shit i have to go thru every so often something could be easy or maybe not hurt like hell ta have ta do.
shakes my head but no its trial after trial, hurt after hurt. i know its ta better me, make me capable ta handle what soon i must face, and i totaly get that i do. But not EVERY damn thing in my life need ta be hard. I dont think thats asking for too damn much. test me make me stronger make be better able to face what i must no matter the outcome i face, but not every damn thing to be hard rough a struggle or leave gapping wounds of loss behind.

happy sad

I'm sad and totaly miss imp way way way more that i thought i would. i miss cuddlin her in my lap as i would write or whatever. i really havent written a whole lot if at all since she returned my collar nor have i really played with a girl since the last email when i had began a scene with her that had great potential.... I wish there was just some way.... But there isnt ....... why can't i hope..... sighs cause it hurts more to hope sometimes.

I am happy cause i have Fenrir and wolfie and bear. the last two do their best to help me thru the days away from Fen. Fen seems ta be doing ok at work no more hospital stays which is good. should see him in a day or two. our lil online lil one should enter our world toward the end of june Fen and i figure. He has gotten so damn protective of me and its just so cute. My favorite spot when he is on is settled snuggly in his lap with his arms around me. i blush when he tells me how good i look with his child, he looks forward to her being with us but likes the look on me.

my toes should be pained.....

Your Toes Should Be Pink

You love to dress girly and work your feminine charms, with a bit of an edge.

Your ideal guy: Is confident enough to get any girl he wants

Stay away from: Jerks who only see you as eye candy
You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.
But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?
It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.
Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.

my prom dress

Flowing Strapless Dress

Feminine yet chic, you are a traditional romantic who still knows how to party!

to my surprise

on earlly sat morning i sliped into me online home and there was me Luv waiting for me. we had an enoyable night tagether. we shattered a rock in our playfullness which woke the lil one up and me luv/Daddy got ta feel the lil one kick about for a bit. we cuddled for a good bit and talked, of course last weds we talked a great deal about just everything including what had happened with imp and all. he felt so bad for me and hoped i'd not regret my choice. part of me does but as i have said i was to hurt someone and which regret would have been worse so i did the best with what i thought was the right path.

2 years ago today

he walked into my life by the strangest of circumstance and fluke and turned my whole world upside down. things only rocketed of into the outer edge of the world from there, and what seemed a short breath later twas all over............... but i keep getting the impression ta wait and see that maybe not as over as is thought. his walking in and then out wreaked my life all ta hell. 3 weeks after walking in we were serious then it all went ta hell in a handbasket. i know i have fault so does he and others played a few parts too some i think a whole lot higher up the food chain so ta speak. Now other influences meddle to but thats alright what happens happens i know what i must do and the price i can possibly pay and i have reconed myself to that price, i may not like the price but i will pay t if i have to.... today of all day a song came on my raido and i will place the lyrics here as they fit:


If I'd've known the way that this would end
If I'd've read the last page first
If I'd've had the strength to walk away
If I'd've known how this would hurt

I would've loved you anyway
I'd do it all the same
Not a second I would change
Not a touch that I would trade
Had I known my heart would break
I'd've loved you anyway

It's bittersweet to look back now
At memories withered on the vine
Just to hold you close to me
For a moment in time

(Repeat chorus)

And, even if I'd seen it coming
You'd still've seen me running
Straight into your arms

(Repeat chorus)

yeah this kind of says how it is and on this very day off all days. plus i have seen other lil signs today too.

For some odd reason i have been up for most of the day in two hours i will be up for the entire day of the 21st. which in two hours will put my total awake hours at 33 hours. this yr doesnt seem so bad though i feel him and still yearn alas only time will tell.

friday suxs!!!!!!!

god i was so down and out i wanted to just die today i miss my imp terribly and part of me is withering away for the place she left. of course being down my partner had ta kick me... he says he didnt and doesnt do it on pourpose but my god when i hit my lowest and ye kick me every single damn time i truly begin ta wonder.
i feel bad things had to turn out this way but twas nothing i could do reguadless i was ta hurt someone. though i wanted ta hurt no one.. i miss you my sweet and definatly not innocent imp..... made a toy i think she would have luved. maybe when the paddle is down i will send her pics of both....then again maybe not as i really dont think she wants ta really talk ta me anymore not toatly sure and i could be wrong........

the club and me Luv

well i am a member of a swingers club that every weds has a BDSM workshop. the club is huge and has themed rooms with everything you could want or imagine. the club is huge with whats supposed ta now be one of THE largest hot tubs. was a former diving tank and has been converted. great folks at the club and its often a blast.
to my utter surprise when i got back from the club there was me Luv Fenrir in our home. i promtly pounced him upon entering and things progressed from there. i took up my usual spot in his lap where i remained until i tucked him into bed for the nite. I shall see him again in a few days and i cant wait.